Tuesday, 24 November 2009

On 24.11.09 by KieronMoore   No comments

(For this lovely project.)

Yo Dave,

Has anyone told you yet that your Doctor Who stories were good? It’s possible, but I doubt it, so let me tell you: your Doctor Who stories were good, and you were good in the role of the Doctor. Bet no-one’s told you that before. I considered writing “It’s OK, ‘Love and Monsters’ and ‘Fear Her’ weren’t your fault” there, but I though that might be a bit rude, so I didn’t.
Anyway, you were pretty awesome (and awesomely pretty), so I made you this similarly pretty awesome (and awesomely pretty, but you probably get the point) picture to show my appreciation. It shows one of the episodes that I’ll make when I am head writer of Doctor Who and Director General of the BBC, which can’t be too far off now (but please try not to age too much anyway, I’ll need to get you back for a past Doctor series). In this story, the Doctor arrives in troubles-era Belfast harbour to find it under attack from Godzilla and his nemesis, the demon beast Axor, who is enslaving innocents in order to wage a destructive war against Godzilla. The Doctor eventually defeats the monsters with the help of his companion, O’Overend, and a handy potato cannon. The story is based on what I learned in GCSE English. Obviously my series will need a high budget, especially considering that at least half of the other episodes will feature a massive spaceship battle, but that’s OK, because I’ll be a billionaire by the time we produce this.
Oh, I think I will tell you one more time that you were a great Doctor. You were a great Doctor. I haven’t seen your final specials yet, but am very much looking forward to them, especially after the fantastically brilliant “The Waters of Mars”. I thought that the “main character goes a bit naughty and commits morally questionable acts towards the end of their storyline” storyline couldn’t be bettered after McNulty in season 5 of ‘The Wire’, but you’re a strong challenger. Stronger than a bear against a magpie.
One last thing – you were brilliant!

Kieron Moore

(I'd say this is the nerdiest thing I've ever done, but, you know...)

Sunday, 15 November 2009

On 15.11.09 by KieronMoore in ,    No comments
In the second of my regular series of film reviews, I'm going to talk to you about a horror film I watched today, Drag Me to Hell. Beware, I might post some spoilers, but it doesn't matter because you'd have worked out the ending five minutes into the film anyway.

Drag Me to Hell is about a woman who works in a bank, so the audience are already against her. No, no, she's a goodie. Anyway, a scary old woman comes into the bank and our heroine refuses to give the scary old woman an extension on her mortgage, so, naturally, the scary old woman unleashes an evil demon on her, which will torment her for three days before taking her to Hell for eternal damnation. Society really shouldn't be so harsh on bankers, they deserve those bonuses for living with the risk of demon curses.
Look, it's your mum.

The middle bit of the film is mainly all horror cliché and conventions, with flickery lights, a worried but helpful fortune teller, a séance and an adorable kitten being stabbed. I was quite entertained by the Looney Tunes influenced scene in which an anvil falls on a demon scary old lady vision's head and her eyes get squashed out on stalks.

The ending, however, is where Drag Me to Hell is truly memorable and I would like to pretend that I totally didn't see it coming. Actually, I wouldn't like to pretend that, because then I would seem less intelligent than George Bush after his brains have been attacked by a manic zombie panda bear with a chainsaw (a creature which this film was sorely lacking). The fortune teller says to the main character something very close to "You need to give away this small circular object to someone else by the end of the day, or else you'll be dragged to Hell by a demon and will have to endure an eternity of torture. I'll put it in this white envelope for you, that just happens to be identical to another white envelope that, earlier in the film, you placed a totally different and insignificant but similar shaped and sized small circular object in. There's no way you can mess this up." followed by, less than a minute later, "Woops, I dropped all my stuff on the floor, including both of these white envelopes."

In fact, that reminds me of something...

So, yeah, almost as good as Mega Snake.