Tuesday, 7 October 2014

On 7.10.14 by KieronMoore in , , ,    No comments

It’s the future. We know it’s the future because cars have one back wheel and Sam Treadwell lives in a house that looks like CBBC retrofitted an igloo. He’s in love with his partner Cherry. We know they’re in love because they have sex on the kitchen floor. She’s a robot. We know she’s a robot because they’ve left the tap running during aforementioned sex so the sink overflows and short-circuits her. Oops.

Desperately in need of more randy kitchen bonking sessions (he says there was love there, but really, it’s the kitchen sex), Sam sets out to find a replacement robot. But it won’t be easy! All the robots that look like her are locked up in a crumbling casino out in the ruins of Las Vegas. I’m not sure why. And the desert surrounding Vegas is patrolled by some bad guys in explorer hats led by a bloke who looks like Steve Irwin. I’m not sure who they are or why they patrol the desert. Sam hires ‘tracker’ Edith Johnson and together they head off into the wasteland – but evil Steve Irwin particularly hates trackers. I’m not sure why. And he has a lot of bees. No, not sure on that, either.

Besides this failure to make the rules of its world at all clear, Cherry 2000 seems to have no idea what genre it is. While it’s largely a sci-fi action movie, it occasionally decides to try its hand at bawdy sex comedy, but its attempts at humour make The Hangover Part III look like it was written by Oscar Wilde. There’s a town called Glory Hole. That’s it, that’s the joke.

And sometimes it tries to be a romance. Which it manages to do an even shoddier job of.

It’s awful. Really, really awful.


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